


If It's Over Then It's Over (Boys Don't Cry)

by kawaiipose



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: But realistic, M/M, Oblivious Shane Madej, Pining Ryan Bergara, Ryan Bergara Loves Shane Madej, Shane Madej Loves Ryan Bergara, a bit sad im sorry, and sara ofc ofc, but he doesnt realise until its too late, buzzfeed tings, clueless shane madej, eek, enjoy ahahahaaaaa, eventually pining shane, i wrote this listening to ruel and i think that says it all, isolation is turning me into a full time fan fic writer, kind of a happy ending eventually?, mentions of ryans current gf and exes, my eyes are burning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:01:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23578837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiipose/pseuds/kawaiipose
Summary: "And I know boys don’t like other boys. Boys don’t cry. Etc etc. I know. But boy have I cried over you."Ryan can't ignore his feelings for Shane forever. He's tried, for years. but sometimes facing reality is inevitable
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 21
Kudos: 131





	1. It's Such a Shame For Us to Part

Ryan finds it hard to pinpoint what he feels for Shane, so he doesn’t.

It’s an odd new feeling, knowing something is unsolved and just... leaving it. There was a _lot_ to unpack when it came to Shane and these pesky feelings that were attached to him. Ryan wasn’t sure if he’d ever sit down and open the _Shane_ box, face how he really feels. But for now he’s content to pretend nothing’s happening.

 _(It was easy when they first met to get nervous. Shane was big and tall and loud. And funny. Ryan didn’t want to admit it, but Shane was very good looking in the weirdest way. He didn’t want to mess up around this guy. He didn’t want to act foolish or be too loud or too quiet or too timid. He wanted Shane to_ like _him, right off the bat. It was scary)._

Shane rounds the corner at the office and Ryan sighs happily. There’s two coffee cups in Shane’s hands, piping hot and sweet and caffeine filled. Shane stops first at Sara’s desk, handing her one of the coffees. They’re talking, smiling, laughing. Ryan turns away. Why did he think the coffee was for him? Shane works in the same office as his _girlfriend._ As if he’d even _think_ about –

“One coffee for the little man!”

Shane’s in front of him with the other coffee, smiling that stupid dopey smile. Ryan doesn’t realise his smile has returned until he’s pressing the top of the take-away cup to his lips, ready to take a sip.

_(Ryan was a generally nervous person, so being almost afraid of disappointing Shane wasn’t the weird bit. It was the part that came after – the nights watching movies, the flawless banter, the strongest friendship Ryan had ever experienced. He understood why people were jealous of the bond they had, he’d be too. He loved Shane’s company, sometimes more than he probably should. He loved movie nights and drinks out and just hanging around each other’s apartments. He loved having the safety net of Shane pulled around him as he entered these scary places in the dark)._

They’re meant to be editing today, but honestly they’re just fucking around. Steven’s literally asleep. Shane sits across from him, pulling faces and telling jokes as always. The empty coffee cup is still rolling pathetically on the floor from before. Ryan had missed the bin when he threw it.

And yes they were at work and _yes_ they should probably be _doing_ work – that’s what they’re paid to do afterall – but Ryan can’t help but cherish these little moments that they share. Quiet laughter and offhand jokes. Playful banter. It feels fun, exciting. Against the rules. But it feels safe. It feels like home.

Ryan feels the familiar tug of his heart in his chest as Shane combs his hands through his hair. It’s a lot longer nowadays. Ryan likes it. He likes it a lot more than a friend should.

He looks away.

_(When Helen first left him Ryan was upset and angry and confused. It had been so sudden – a letter on the bedside table, her bags packed and gone by the time he got home. For a while his eyes were glued to the closet, the absence of her clothes and shoes digging the knife further into Ryan’s back. He was all alone. All he wanted to do was call Shane, but that was pathetic. Plus, they were only really best friends for the camera. Ryan should have someone else, anyone else to call. But all he thinks of is Shane._

_He doesn’t end up ringing Shane. Something clicks in Ryan’s brain as he reads over her cursive letters again and again. He’s sad and angry and confused, but he knows why she left. Because she could see Ryan’s feelings for Shane clearer than he could._

_That night he cries, over Helen or Shane he’s not really sure. She’s gone for good – packed her bags, never looking back. But Shane is even worse. Shane’s never going to leave his side willingly. He’s always there for Ryan, every day of the year. But he’s not_ Ryan’s. _And he never will be. He has Sara. Ryan has no one._

_It’s the first and last night he lets himself think about his feelings for Shane. The next morning, he packs everything in a box and shoves it to the darkest corner of his mind. The show must go on)._

That night is movie night at Shane’s. Steven, as always, was invited to tag along, but he declined, too tired to stay up late. It was just the two of them.

Ryan tried not to let it get to his head.

The movie is boring, but Shane livens it up with his jokes. The popcorn is too salty for Ryan’s liking, but it doesn’t stop him from eating as much as he can. The light from the TV shines off of Shane’s skin, colouring him green, red, blue, purple. His eyes are bright, and it’s contagious – Ryan can feel his eyes widening with childish wonder. He hates it and loves it and for the first time in years he lets his gaze linger for a moment. He doesn’t want to look away. Not when Shane looks this beautiful.

Shane tilts his head. The higher pitch at the end of his sentence demonstrates that he’s asking Ryan a question, but he can’t hear him properly. It’s gibberish.

Shane laughs, fond, and it cuts a bit deeper than Ryan was expecting. For a fleeting second, the nervousness from years ago returns. But it’s gone as quickly as it came, and Ryan focuses back on the movie, mumbling a half-hearted ‘shut up, Shane’ at his teasing remarks. His heart is hurting more than usual. He contemplates crying, but then he’d have to explain _why,_ and he doesn’t even want to explain it to himself anymore.

 _(Ryan likes girls. He likes the curves and the softness and the beauty of them. He’s definitely_ into _girls – not to brag but he’d had sex with a fair few women in his time, and he definitely liked it. But something about Shane’s stubble and rough edges and flat planes of skin were just as enticing as glossed lips and plush curves. It’s scary but Ryan’s okay with admitting that part – he’s definitely not 100% straight. That’s fine and dandy, he honestly couldn’t care less. It’s just_ Shane _that’s the problem. Because Ryan knows he’s never going to want any other man more than he wants Shane. At this point he’s not sure if he’ll even want a_ girl _more than he wants Shane. But there’s Sara and unsolved and their separate lives and Shane doesn’t feel_ anything _, so he definitely doesn’t feel much for Ryan. Nothing more than friendship, that much was certain._

_When he meets Marielle it’s fun and exciting. The attraction is there, the sex is good, he genuinely likes her. Hell, he might even love her someday, who knows. He hasn’t forgotten Shane, as much as he wishes he could. But it’s not fair for him to pine his whole life for something that’s never gonna happen. So he might as well move on before it’s impossible)._

The next day Ryan knows he’s being distant. The Unsolved team try to coax him into banter with Shane, for the audience. They need _something_ to keep watchers entertained. But he doesn’t want to get closer to the fire. It’s already burnt him all over, and he’s not sure how much more smoke his lungs can take. He wants to joke and laugh and normal.

But he’s ready to admit it.

He’s too fucking in love to do this anymore.

 _(He knows his relationship is deteriorating as fast as his last one. He sees it on her face when every topic loops back around to Shane. When Ryan blows her off in favour for a movie with Shane, drinks with Shane, anything for_ Shane. _He knows he needs to change to save what they have, with Marielle and Shane, but he can’t. he’s too fucking deep. He’s so far gone he doesn’t even feel the burn anymore, the hurt. He feels numb all over._

_He needs to leave)._

Shane enters the office one certain Tuesday to find Ryan’s desk empty. His laptop is gone, all his funny stress balls and wacky sticky notes nowhere to be found. The coffee Shane brought for him is burning his hand, but he’s too dumbfounded to even feel the sting.

When he asks the crew they say he got an opportunity elsewhere. Head boss says the same. Steven is just as devastated as Shane, but he promises the company can go on and thrive. Shane’s not so sure. Out of the two of them, Ryan was the believer. Watcher was _his_ concept. Without him by his side, Shane was just a sceptic.

Marielle calls Shane later that day in tears. Ryan’s left without a trace to Chicago. Everyone’s hurting. Everyone misses him. But the hurt will mend. That’s what Sara says that night before bed, kissing Shane’s cheek. She adds an off-hand comment about never liking Ryan anyway, and Shane wants to scream. How could anyone ever forget Ryan Bergara?

He calls. He texts. He DMs every single day. Ryan doesn’t even open them let alone respond. Shane feels so empty all the time. A new intern takes Ryan’s desk. Steven’s happy someone’s ‘filled the void Ryan left.’ Shane isn’t.

Months later a letter comes in the mail. To – Shane. From – Ry.

_(I know it was a dick move to move away. And I know you’re never really going to understand why I ruined everything because that’s who you are. You always see solutions. Well this was my only one._

_I know it’s weird and probably extremely inconvenient but I’m in love with you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’ve always kind of known I’m bisexual but when you came into my life you fucked everything up in the best way and from the moment you entered my life I’ve been transfixed. And I know boys don’t like other boys. Boys don’t cry. Etc etc. I know. But boy have I cried over you. And liked you. I know you have Sara and I’ve lost the right to be your friend by now, surely. And I don’t think we can be friends after this, at least how we were. And that’s fine, honestly. A couple more nights of crying don’t mean too much in the scheme of things._

_But I’m not coming back, big guy. Not for a long time. I just need you to forgive me._

_From – Ry._

_p.s. I’m sorry I’m not answering you, I will when I’m ready. I don’t know when that is. I’m really sorry... again haha_

_I love you)._

Shane doesn’t know whether to scream or cry or smile or laugh or throw the biggest fucking tantrum ever because _fuck._ Ryan loves him and wants him and he’s _gone._

He decides crying first is the way to go.


	2. In My Mind, We're Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Some days Shane feels like it’s cloudy even when the Sun’s shining outside. He thinks it’s because Ryan was this drop of Sun dropped from the sky and delivered just for him. But now the Sun is behind these heavy, dark clouds and it feels like all the Sun inside Shane has been ripped away."  
> Shane hasn't been coping since Ryan left.

Everyone seems to be moving on but Shane’s stuck in the mud.

It’s Steven who first notices, tapping on his shoulder and asking if he’s okay multiple times a day, countless times a week. Sara notices next, huffing when Shane doesn’t hug her as tight, doesn’t laugh at her jokes or make snide comments of his own. She leaves his apartment with another huff and a quiet whisper about stupid Ryan. Shane realises he’s stuck in that moment, when he realises he doesn’t care that Sara had left his side.

 _(Describe Ryan Bergara? Oh, Shane’s been trying to do that since the moment he met him. The first word that comes to mind is_ small. _Then comes_ smart, creative, kind. _Ryan’s teeth are slightly too big for his mouth, so when he smiles it’s wide and oh boy is it contagious. His eyes crinkle and he throws his head back, exposing his tan throat. His Adam’s Apple bobs as he laughs, and then his head comes forward again. His cheeks are rosy as he shakes his head, usually at one of Shane’s dumb jokes. Shane’s not sure when he started paying such close attention, but he doesn’t question it)._

The next month is nothing but arguments. Arguments with Steven about Watcher, arguments with Sara about their relationship. By the end of the month Shane is tired of fighting, tired of being stubborn. He’s ready to walk away from Buzzfeed forever. He’s ready to tell the world the truth – Unsolved wasn’t just ‘on break,’ Watcher wasn’t just ‘adjusting’ – Ryan wasn’t ever coming back. Of course he knew that weeks ago, but it hurts more now, the _finality_ of it scratching at his ribs, stabbing into his heart. _Ryan. Isn’t. Coming. Back._

Sara had spat those words at him nights before, and it became evidently clear Sara wasn't planning on coming back either

“Ryan isn’t coming back!”

Shane didn't yell, didn't scream, barely moving from his spot on the couch, head in his hands. It was a one way argument, and they both knew it. Shane wonders when Sara became so angry. Then he asks when he stopped caring so much about what Sara thought. They were in love, right? Sara comes first, right? Sara was the girl he wanted, right?

Nothing. He felt nothing when she left for the last time, nothing when she ignored him at work, nothing when she blocked him on every social media that existed. He should’ve felt _something_ after years of love just disappeared.

But Shane was too broken to break anymore. Yeah, he was definitely stuck in the mud.

 _(Shane knows it’s not_ that _weird to buy your girlfriend_ and _your best friend a cup of coffee, but Shane feels like there’s a double meaning to his own actions. He buys Sara coffee because Sara is always tired from staying up all night drawing. He buys Ryan coffee because Ryan smiles and his teeth are too big for his mouth and his eyes crinkle and the smile radiates that certain energy that turns up the corners of Shane’s mouth too._

_Sure enough that morning when he hands Sara her coffee, she smiles gratefully, making an offhand comment about her eye bags, earning a chuckle from Shane. They talk for a while about what to eat for this week’s date night, but after a while discussion peters out and Sara turns back to her work._

_He hands the coffee to Ryan and he looks surprised, like always, and then he smiles, chuckling slightly before taking a sip. Shane tries not to think about how much it warms his chest, as if he too had taken a sip of warm coffee._

_Looking back on it Shane realises the double meaning of his own actions was kind of crystal clear. He loved Sara. He loved that she was quirky and fun and odd and basically him as a girl and she was perfect for him. But he loved Ryan, too. His enthusiasm, his kindness, his sense of humour, his liveliness._

_But what he loved most was that Ryan_ wasn’t _perfect for him. They were an unlikely pair in every sense of the word. And Shane decides that’s what made Ryan that little bit more. He was everything Shane never knew he needed)._

Shane thinks it's a little bit cliché, this situation he’s in. Like, _fucking really?_ A voice shockingly similar to Ryan’s rings through his head; _you don’t know what you have till it’s gone, big guy!_ He hates that imaginary Ryan is right. He hates that it’s gotten to the point that he’s _imagining_ Ryan. He’s even madder that Ryan left and he just fucking _let him._ He didn’t know he was leaving, he argues with himself, which is true. It’s like stopping an earthquake. How do you stop something when you have no idea it’s going to happen?

Still, Shane’s a fool in every meaning of the word, because he’s kind of lost everyone. He can’t stop fighting with Steven about what to do with their failing company. He lost Sara, his safety blanket, someone who was there for him, someone he loved. And he lost Ryan, not because of fights, but because of ignorance. Because, I mean _come on,_ people don’t just fall in love overnight. And if Ryan leaving had showed Shane _anything,_ it was that he was already in too deep.

 _(If Shane could pinpoint the moment Ryan turned into_ Ryan, _it would’ve been one of those nights they shared a makeshift bed on the floor of a ‘haunted’ location. He can’t remember the name or the episode but he remembers Ry being scared shitless. He was shivering, jumping at any bump or even the whistle of the wind. Shane remembers mumbling something groggily, trying to calm Ryan down enough to sleep, but his eyes stayed wide open, petrified. Eventually Shane scooted closer, opening his arms to Ryan. At first the shorter hesitated, but in the end, both were too tired to care about fragile masculinity. Soon enough Ryan curled into Shane’s arms, and he distantly registered how well Ryan fit in his long arms, how his puffs of air against Shane’s skin felt to natural as he drifted to sleep._

_The next moment as they packed up the lens he viewed Ryan through had shifted. At the time he didn’t really pick it up, but he did notice more. Like how Ryan’s hair was curly and scruffy in the morning, before he brushed it. And how Ryan’s eyes looked wider and softer behind glasses. He noticed he liked when Ryan wore his usual shirts, but he liked it even more when he wore long-sleeved shirts that clung to his muscles. He liked the sparkle in Ryan’s eyes, and how short he was compared to him, how he threw his head back when he laughed, how his teeth were kinda too big but it just made him smile even wider._

_It hurts to realise how much he lost when he lost Ryan. Sure, he needed to lose to learn, but he lost a friend, a pal, a... a person he didn’t realise he needed so badly. He knows it’s his fault, but he wish Ryan would’ve_ talked. _Told him what was going on inside his head. God, he wish Ryan would’ve stayed._

_Some days Shane feels like it’s cloudy even when the Sun’s shining outside. He thinks it’s because Ryan was this drop of Sun dropped from the sky and delivered just for him. But now the Sun is behind these heavy, dark clouds and it feels like all the Sun inside Shane has been ripped away)._

Ryan realises after 4 months in dreary Chicago that he wants to go home.

He misses Steven and Buzzfeed and _Watcher_ but most of all he misses Shane. He knows the bridge is definitely burnt by now. He knows the Shane he left isn’t the Shane he’ll be returning to. But he wasn’t the Ryan Bergara he was when he left.

It takes 2 days to pack up his whole life in Chicago. It’s a sad reminder of how _mundane_ his life was here. Nobody at his boring desk job ever radiated an energy even _close_ to Shane’s, not that anyone ever could be anything like him. Ryan realised that the more time he spent here – he wasn’t sure _what_ he was looking for, but he knew the only thing he needed was back in LA.

He wasn’t sure how to feel on the plane there. His heart was beating faster than ever, his chest stinging from the strength of every pump of his heart. He’d never been this nervous. No haunted house could compete with how Ryan felt right now.

As he lands, he texts Steven. Then he texts the boss to tell him he was coming back from his leave.

Then he opened his DMs to Shane. Instagram told him he had over 5 thousand messages from Shane, message he never answered, fearing that it would be hate and resentment he’d find texted onto his screen.

The last message from Shane read:

_At least let me know if you’re okay, Ry._

Ryan didn’t want to cry, but he did anyway, typing back a response for the first time in months.

_Sorry this is sudden. I’m coming home. Please don’t make it weird..._

Mere seconds pass before _seen_ sits underneath his message. Minutes pass before a response comes.

_I would never, ofc. Movie night?_

Despite everything, Ryan smiled. Despite knowing coming back was just forcing pain back into his life, he smiled, because if Shane could do _anything,_ he could make Ryan smile.

He cries all the way back to his abandoned LA apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imagine that meme with that old guy, jus do it  
> i am once again asking you to read my shitty writing  
> i stayed up late for this one too so enJOy!!!  
> yes cliffhanger but watch my bored ass write another chapter  
> (NAME OF FIC) - Don't Cry, Ruel  
> (NAME OF CHAPTER ONE) - The Scientist, Coldplay  
> (NAME OF CHAPTER TWO) - Blanco White, Samara

**Author's Note:**

> Not gonna lie i wrote this at 1 am - 2 am and i'm tired but it's FINE. i watched a shyan compilation and a lot of it is either ryan staring at shane really fondly or staring at him with this really sad look and my brain was like hey ! fanfic time !  
> this is my first official shyan fic but i promise - if i get around to writing another one haha - it'll be happier !!


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